It has been a year since our trip to Colorado and as I reflect back I can see how it was life changing for me and Tricia both.
There was so much turmoil in my spirit during that last year at Cornerstone, I had picked up a lot of baggage that was really influencing my view of God and how He saw me.
One of my primary strengths is that I care for people, this is reflected in my spiritual gift of pastor/shepherd. At the same time this strength can hide my primary weakness--my obsessive need to be approved by people. This need to seek others approval fleshed itself out in my continual struggle to walk two lives. One life was with the people I care about and who are my dearest friends and the other was my loyalty to my Pastor, Bro. Bob. I was constantly being pulled in two directions and I hated it.
I was so scared of leaving Cornerstone that I continued to live in this grip experience. I had this warped view of logic that said it was okay to try and please both lives, one that disagreed with the direction of the Pastor and the other that got along for security of a job and a paycheck. It was only by God's goodness that He brought my true feelings to light and simply booted me out into the real world.
I made a statement at CrossPoint last week during my sermon that really shook me. I hadn't planned on saying it and I am discovering that alot of what I say comes in the moment. I know, that can be bad because who knows what I am g0ing to say and that can be good because it allows for the Spirit of God to move spontaneously on me. I said during my sermon that I would Pastor for free. I really meant it. I know the Apostle Paul said that elders who teach are worthy of double honor and I appreciate that about 'ole Paul, but if I'm not willing to try and build the Kingdom for free, then I am not called to build it.
At Cornerstone I never had that perspective. I had a lazy, self-absorbed perspective that betrayed the Kingdom. I believe it was God's will for me and the family to get out of there. I am so thankful of my years there and would not trade it for anything.
So, one thing I learned in Colorado was that "I don't have to prove myself to anyone." God made me uniquely me and He is showing me that I am only responsible towards Him. Yes, I am accountable to others, no doubt. But, my perverted view of finding worth in myself through others really had me in bondage. I found my worth through Cornerstone and that was perverted, it would be if I tried to find my worth through CrossPoint. My worth is found in God's love for me. I am His beloved Son, a Warrior Prince. The church does not owe me anything and I don't owe the church anything. I owe God everything.
One of my journals reveals what I am trying to say here: Wednesday the 8th of August, 2007, at 8:51 am. The Sovereign Lord loves me. He also said He sees me as majestic, breath-taking, soothing, and yes, dangerous. My Father is pleased with me for who I am, not what I've done or will do.
More about Colorado later.